Diary
disclaimer: I do not know how TMI I would get in here, but be prepared for, uhm, personal topics, as this IS a diary. it might mostly be light-hearted though, as I keep a LOT of things very private, reserved for my closest friends. But still. just keep it in mind that this isn't really for the super duper public eye.
at the moment
11/27/24, 12:55 PM
OMG. It has been almost 2 weeks since I wrote in here ;__; Literally the only thing that has happened in that time is i have bought a plane ticket to go see my family in December!! I'm a little more excited for it for sure :-) and I probably should have been thinking about this but I do not know if i'm gonna take a shuttle to the airport... it might definitely be more convenient for my partner but we'll have to see!
Aside from that, though... I Admit my hyperfix has shifted from website coding to something else. I have come to a good point with my new site layout but I'm kind of rethinking going that route with it visually. I do want to move my style CSS to an actual seperate file rather than having it all on the page code, but when I eventually come back to site coding I'll figure it all out!
My interest lately has been on refurbishing my actual host PC, like organizing my files and making little things here and there a bit nicer for me, experience-wise and visually. I really like the mods OpenShell, Retrobar, OldNewExplorer, and Windhawk! I highly recommend looking at those if the way Windows 10/11 feels to you could use a LOT of improvement.
Well, I have work today, but I got some things done and I'm really excited to have Thanksgiving off of work tomorrow! Im gonna make us some spaghetti and garlic bread (hopefully from scratch) it's gonna be so damn good. It'll be my first Thanksgiving away from family... it's not as significant as my first Christmas away but it's still something.. I don't feel that sad about it though? I know i'm still gonna be doing Something with somebody I love so I'm happy about that. :-) Plus I hope I can have a nice little call with my friends!
I hope I can come back to Neocities in a substantial way next time y'all see me, hopefully with updates to the site, new pages, etc etc... I have been shy and also struggling w/ my mental health lately but I can see a positive turn sometime soon! Byebye!!
11/14/24, 3:24 PM
HI NEOCITIES!!! Let me catch you up on what's happened so far:
So I wrote in here that my back was hurting REALLY bad, so to help me not strain it as hard I had to lay in bed while on my PC. I knew then that my PC charger was a bit bent at the part where it's plugging into my PC, but I didn't know that it was nearly broke by the time I had to finagle it to stay plugged in... and then the little yellow plastic bit inside broke off and when I tried to move it around more, it sort of, like, sparked? and then it would not work after that. I was devastated!!! But I was able to quickly buy a new one in the spur of the moment and since then I have not been able to use my PC at all as it was almost dead on battery :'(
BUT since I have had time away from constantly tweaking my site, I was able to actually sit down and plan out how I really want my site layout to look like! It looks very promising and I'm SO excited to have more time to work on it! That and also I want to try using a web development program locally first so I don't have to constantly update on Neocities. I know my friend Pony (dreamvalley on here) uses a program like that and I think it would make it a lot easier for me. But until then you'll just have to see me updating constantly LOL.
Besides that though, emotionally, I will say I'm doing worlds better than the last time you guys saw me. There still seems to be a lingering anxiety though? And I just feel like recent events Combined with my period hormones have made me feel as if I've been emotionally regressing a lot. :-( I know that recovery is not linear and there will be hard days, but I get very easily discouraged with my progress. I guess some perspective for me would help, like that compared to JUST half a year ago I'm in a much better spot (both physically and mentally). I'm doing really good in retrospect.
In these next few days, I WILL be pre-occupied with doing social thangs but you'll see me around here and there! Excited to hang out with some buddies of mine I haven't hung out with in a WHILE, as well as a little hang-out with my closer friends (though I love all of my friends so muchies) See you when I see you!
11/12/24, 10:54 AM
Godddd. I'm so frustrated that yesterday was such a nightmare and literally nothing . bad happened. I'm just really mentally ill and it's just so annoying when I KNOW that it's my brain and body putting me thru the ringer 💔 HOWEVER, I definitely feel better today though, after my period is subsiding a bit and after a good night of sleep! + I had myself a protein rich and not-too-heavy breakfast!!!
(MDL TW)
PLUS My partner is starting his new job today and it's looking like it's gonna be a LOT better for her!!! (yes my partner uses they/he/she prns 🥰) And I'm just. SO excited to hear all about it tonight :D
Another bleh thing that happened last night though was that I sneezed like 6 times in a row and somehow pulled a muscle in my BACK???? LIKE HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN. THAT NEVER HAPPENS TO ME.): And when I was lying in bed on my computer, it hurt so bad that I groaned out loud ... I felt so old and pathetic and I'm only 22!!! I might have to start stretching regularly or something because I don't want to be a miserable old person. But that's neither here nor there 😅
I do NOT feel like going to work today either...... but I think I'll be okay. I'm honestly just looking forward to going to bed tonight. Byebye for now.
11/10/24, 5:50 PM
How retail got me feeling like:
BLEEEEEEHAGHGHHHGHGAHAHH. RRAAGGHGHGHGHHHh
I got up at the buttcrack of dawn to go to work. I really realllyyyy contemplated just calling out sick, but I didn't because I don't want to get a reputation for calling out constantly. But I'm worried that's true already, so I'm really trying hard to not call out uneccessarily. I know it'd be swaggier of me to just not give a Fuck, but here's the thing: I need to pay rent and bills! I really really hate it but it's true. Did you know that my fingers hurt so bad right now? Im in pain even if I'm laying in bed on my computer. Uggggh ;__;
ANYWAY, the biggest reasons for why today was so hard was because of A.) My brain had a fun time picking at different little petty things to get really angry about. I literally had a whole review in my brain about every single person that hurt me the most in the past. WHILE RINGING UP GROCERIES!!!!! WOW SUCH GOOD TIMING!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANKS FOR THAT!!!!!!!! :DDDDDDD OKAY OKAY LOOK I know I call this a diary but man it's not a true diary this is not my priv server 😠SORRY. I just had a really rough day. That is all anyone needs to know... and that I ruminate like crazy when I'm stressed out. and B.) I thought that a lead got angry at me for asking if I can leave at the time when my first break was and I thought they sounded angry... and when I was about to leave I thought another coworker was being petty at me. I really just don't know if I'm reading too much into things or if I AM right on the money about if people are annoyed with me. well I AM autistic, I have complex PTSD, and I have BPD symptoms, so I dunno. It could be anything also it really doesn't matter if my coworkers dislike me because those are not my friends or family (that I want around). My job is to just not do anything to get me fired. LOL. Fucking LOVE WORK!!!!!!!!! (MANIC LAUGHTER)
Well, if I can look on the bright side, I'm home now, and this morning I got myself a nice coffee and a muffin top (what's up fellow Dutch-enjoyers), and I got myself some lunch on the way home. PLUS I was able to work more on my about page, I hope it looks good !! I'm now beginning to understand flex containers and that also allowed me to add those sidebars on my home page. and now... I CAN DO ANYTING !!!!!!!!!!! HEHEHEHEHEEEE!!!!!!!!
(MDL TW)
ANOTHER BONUS: I'm excited to see my partner come home as well 🥰💞💞 Legit one of the brightest spots in my day to day life
OK i'm gonna go lay down now. BYE!!!!!!!!!
11/08/24, 11:33 PM
OMG GUYS.. I did SO much on my site today and I'm SO proud of myself!! i have definitely needed these past few days to unwind, relax, have A LOT of valuable restorative alone time!!! as much as I love spending time with my friends and catching up with my loved ones, I have in the past lost a bit of touch with the art of ~Autismo Computer Fun~. it has actually changed a lot over the years as I've matured, though. i literally remember as a kid acting crazay at my computer or in my phone voice memos. I had a whole lore going on, multiple in fact. insane behavior but it made me a funny ass bitch in current day ☺ < - that looks bonkers in the code rn. ANYWAY. !! My period hit me yesterday which sux, but i'm just relieved it hit me while I'm able to relax at home, THANK GOODNESS. The last few times where it would hit me AT. WORK. WAS JUST CRIMINAL. UGH!!! maybe someday I can go on birth control..... my PMS can be a lawt.
SORRY I got so off topic LMFAO. To try and summarize what i've been doing lately on Neocities... I discovered this thing called a Geek Code, and I have to say as someone who is OBSESSED with personality types and signifiers (such as MBTI and Enneagram) I was so excited to write up the perfect all-fitting line of code that summarizes SO much about me! and get this: there's another kind of code like this called a FURRY CODE!!?!??! MIND BLOWN.!! it might be redundant to have those two codes side-by-side in my About Me page, but IDC!!! the more the merrier!!! :D ALSO, I MADE AN ABOUT ME!!! FINALLY!!! the Main page was getting pretty clunky with all of those graphics LOL. I can't wait to add more in the future, like some of my basic info like my pronouns maybe? That stuff isn't really a priority though because, like, you can know a lot about me already from what's already on there. OMG I'm yapping so much but whatEVAH!!! ALSO ALSO I prettied up and added a teensy bit to my Index page, and changed the background to a funky patterned one, still dark colored though. I tried to do a thing where you can only click on the LIGHT in the gif to enter, but it got clunky when I would zoom in the page or change the window size. BLEH, I can worry about that later.... I wanna figure out how to do sidebars and I wanna have a nicer menu bar though! That would be next on my list :P
OKAY that is all from me this go around, IDK who would read all of this but thanks for your time hehe. See you soon byebye have a good night!!!
11/06/24, 5:45 PM
ok but Why was i 99% certain this would happen. to maybe try to rationalize, maybe it's because he is just that iconic and easily recognizable, and he appeals to so many people that have this conditioned fear of losing what they think national pride is...? So many of his voting base is just Americans that are afraid of what they don't understand, of people they are told will invade this country and all of it's Legal citizens that ACKSHUALLY contribute to (coughcough-white western patriarchal-coughcough) society. That and also childless women that get abortions and trans people. It's crazy to me to think that there's just THAT many minorities in this country that just voted against THEIR interests. CRAZY to me. But I guess the conditioning runs that deep. I feel for not just the American minorities that will absolutely feel the worst sting of his administration's rulings, but also people in the Middle East that are going to be hurt MORE now, as if it wasn't bad enough! It's just not fucking fair!!! To be honest, I think lately because of the sheer amount of Trump supporters in this country, all over socmed and even in my own family is making me develop a misanthropic streak, which I really don't want to have. I dislike a LOT of people all of the time and I don't want to be that way! Aside from it being hard for me to understand people, all of this shit is just fueling the fire for me.
Aside from this though, I can say on a positive note that the family stuff i was vaguely venting about resolved itself, sort of. The worst case scenario didn't happen, thank God.. IDK How much I can go into detail though but that's a relief off my shoulders. :-) Plus I've been able to vent about this stuff to my friends today which I'm really happy about, and i'm actually on a VC with them as I'm writing this!! (HAI GRIMM AND PONY !!!) + COOL THING: I made my very first ever stamp! It's a stamp dedicated to a lesbian flag my friend Pony made, for Loverboy Butches!!! I'm really proud of it and it has a cute little animation and everything! I'm gonna try to show it here:
I think it's super cute and there's more to come! I want to make SO many stamps blinkies and buttons! :D
That's all for now, I do wanna make it a habit to write in here about whatever's on my mind, I think it's been a good release of stress lately. And also a fun outlet for ideas I have or anything else! Bye!!!! Have a good day!!!
11/05/24, 12:11 AM
JUST ABOUT DAMN READY to be over with tomorrow. I am not excited for Election Day. either way it's just gonna suck, even if I know one of them will be the better choice in the long run and that she'll hopefully be pushed to advocate for a complete ceasefire in Gaza. The other freakshow, however... that's just gonna result in a better chance at a straight-up out-and-open fascist dictatorship. And much much worse for everyone. I'm really scared. I dont wanna go to work tomorrow either. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!! why WHY can't my four days off come faster!!! I want to relax and play on my computer and talk to my friends and eat good food and to stay nice and warm in the comfort of my room so I can regulate my nervous system better, after my family shit from a few days ago!!!! I get so impatient during times like these. I just feel like I'm running on nothing after losing so many people in my life for the past year and a half, and I'm really tired. Even if I wasn't close, or if I disliked them, or that I made the decision to cut them off, losing people is still hard. I almost apologized to the person reading this for rambling and venting, but I realized that is literally what this is for LOL. It's being used exactly how I intended it, for a dumping ground for my thoughts, and this so happens to be a difficult time for me for a lot of reasons. WHatever. It's gonna work out, I have it much better than I used to, I have a good support system and things to look forward to for once. I am happy in a lot of ways. It's just hard at the moment. Brrr it's cold in my room and I think it's almost bedtime for Bonzo. I also feel the need to reassure whoever could be reading this that: It WILL work out in the long run, and to please do something kind for yourself whenever possible. And that there's people that love you and care about your wellbeing. IDK if that's anything but it's worth a shot.
11/04/24, 12:40 AM
Same day, new entry... it's been a long stupid day. I'm so very tired. :'(. some really dumb family related conflict that's bumming me out, but I'm really lucky to live with someone who will be on my side with shit like this. IDK if I should go into detail here, nor do I feel that inclined to. It's just. very petty and dumb. I can already feel my prefrontal cortex bake in the oven of my skull, as the older i'm getting the less tolerance I have for immature people. Even if they're my family. Blahh. I wanna go to bed. Good news is is that I had a lovely dinner and getting to air my frustrations helped a ton... AND I added a few more stamps and blinkies to the home page! :D I'm hoping for better days this week and despite it all, I am excited to visit my family next month!
11/03/24, 10:09 AM
WHEW. RIGHT before work I added a BUNCH of new stamps and blinkies to my home page, and im SO proud of myself OMG. now i gotta get ready for my crap ass job and work until this evening. BLEEEHHH ;__; oh well. whatever keeps a roof over my head! haha........ OK BYEBYE!!!
11/02/24, 10:32 PM
here's my first ever entry, writing this just to test out the layout of this crap :'D (it looks so bad) ACTUALLY. the more I work on this the better it gets! I'm just gonna magically give myself more credit, ok? being patient with myself is better in the long run :-)